Big Bird won't stop regurgitating
PBS staff have been presented with a dilemma recently over an aging "Sesame Street™" character, Big Bird. Although Big Bird has long been a favourite and a ratings-booster, she has developed uncontrollable maternal urges from years without children. "It's quite simple", a biologist explains, "when female birds reach a certain age, they feel the need to support their young. And because Big Bird was always deprived of children, these instincts are directed towards inanimate objects". "Sure I understand that she's got problems and all", complained a co-worker, "but when she vomits all over the water cooler, it's disgusting". "That water cooler hasn't smelled right since", agreed another. When approached for an interview, Big Bird began wildly flailing her limbs and animal control crews were called in. Until this messy situation is solved, Sesame Street™ viewers may have to say goodbye to their constantly regurgitating friend.

Autumn colours fail to impress angsty teen
A normally joyful ride to Grandma's house was turned sour this year, largely due to the antics of Henry Whitby, 16. The beautiful autumn colours in the Canadian wilderness are often the highlight of these trips, but even colourful leaves could not impress this angsty teen. "He's just not the same" says his mother, "He used to love this ride- now all he does is sit in the corner and mutter death-related song lyrics". The family has tried to cheer him up on many occasions, but to no avail. He doesn't seem to care about the weather, school, or even movies anymore. Unless this trend changes in the near future, many will become worry over the future of this usually cheery young boy. When asked to comment, the boy only said that "(he) doesn't want to talk about it", and, "ugh, my life is so messed up right now".

Elderly couple adds additional religious trinket to collection
Many have marvelled in the past over the lovely array of religious trinkets in the main window of the Martonwood's house, many of which vary from season to season. Their Christmas windowsill-nativity scenes are often the talk of the town. The talk of the town recently, however, has been mostly negative. A new Jesus-themed candle has been added as of late, following six other purchases within the month. Complaints have been filed to city council, as some non-Christians find this "cornucopia of Christian ideals, in trinket form" someone detracts from the neighbourhood, and that the "window-wide barrage of Jesus-related figurines" can prove distracting. City council is expected discuss the issue Saturday.