Elvis surprises Toronto with live concert
Yesterday the entertainment world was set on fire, as Elvis "The King" Presley publicly announced the launch of a new homecoming tour. A press release announced the tour will start in Toronto, circle the globe, and finish near his beautiful mansion, "Graceland". This concert coincides with the release of his new sellout "greatest hits" compilation. Tickets were announced go on sale Tuesday, and are expected to sell out within hours. When asked to comment, Elvis said only "I'm in love", and after a brief pause, "I'm all shook up". Despite incredible worldwide anticipation, some fans have spoken out about possible setbacks to the tour. Some are worried because the concerts may be hampered by cold weather and lax security. Others are worried because he's been dead for 25 years.

Bush wonders what he'll have for lunch
Uncertainty and controversy surround the white house this morning as President George Bush still remains undecided on what he'll have for lunch today. In a meeting earlier, Cheney strongly recommended "ham on rye with a side of dill pickles", but Bush is currently being shipped to a secure, undisclosed location to further consider the situation. CNN was first to air the events in a new series, "A Leader in Hunger" which has been on highest alert, covered live 24/7. Currently, this is the only confirmed information other than a classified memo rumoured to report that "he's leaning a little towards a grilled cheese sandwich". CNN and the rest of the news world continues to wait eagerly for new information about this important, world-changing crisis.

Nonexistant town mayor doing a bang-up job
A Connecticut suburb, suprisingly, has been running itself for the past four years. What seems to be an uncontactable, nonexistent mayor has been doing "quite a bang-up job" for the town. Bob Thomson, current mayor, was elected four years ago, and since December that year the town has had no contact with him. Hamersburg doesn't seem to be suffering because of this however, as taxes are low, and the town's economy is stronger than ever. The only hint of his existence occurred recently when an opposition member called him regarding the next election. Mr. Thomson only said "Sorry, I'm not home right now", and later "if you'll leave a message, I'll get back to you shortly". Some time after this he added "-beep!". Nobody can confirm Mr. Thomson's location, but some have rumoured he may be a victim of "those damn dirty apes". Town hall has considered hiring a replacement mayor, but the movement was voted down, as the current mayor, existent or not, is making all the right moves.