Child kidnapped, parents getting some sleep
Late Thursday night last week, Jason Carpenter, 4, was kidnapped from his Sudbury home. Although this would normally be a tragic and frightening event for the parents, the parents are rather enjoying his absence, because "for once (they're) actually getting some sleep". It's been days since anyone has seen the child, but a ransom note has been sent to the house. The note, scribbled by the kidnapper on what appears to be a Subway™ napkin, announced that the parents would "never see their child again unless the money was paid". The parents, however could not be less concerned. "At least we know he's eating well", commented the father. The mother added "- and we didn't even have to arrange a babysitter. How convenient! I wish this would happen more often".

Freeway traffic sign explains very little
Gloria Heathbrook, 39, has recently complained to San Francisco City Hall about a traffic sign on a busy freeway that explains "very little". The sign, put up Monday, was designed to reduce accidents on the road. "I don't see exactly how it helps" says Gloria, "What's it supposed to mean? Just be generally alert of dangerous occurrings somewhere in this vicinity?". "Oh, thanks", she snorted. Her husband, Michael Heathbrook also commented on the sign; sarcastically chiming "I'll remember that one next time I go to San Francisco". The Bureau of Traffic and Transportation is looking into the matter, but when asked to comment, the Head Manager only laughed in a thick spanish accent and disappeared in a cloud of pink smoke.

Annoying kid only getting worse
Classroom peers and teachers alike have been worried the past few months over the antics of Samuel Hamilton, the self-proclaimed "coolest kid in the world". From what sources said, Samuel has been far from that lately. "He wasn't that bad before.." one child said, "but lately he's been really annoying.. and he's only getting worse... worse, and grotesquely obese". Three have been injured or hurt indirectly by his antics, but he shows no signs of cooling down. "I'm the green Power Ranger™", Samuel exclaimed when approached. He also ventured to comment "hehhehehhhehheh" and kick another child several times in the face. The situation is evidently only getting worse, but as a teacher puts it, the school looks forward to "five seconds of bleeding quiet" come this weekend.