Pope makes hip-hop debut
Much to the surprise of scholars around the world, the pope has signed to the Jive™ record label. Many admire his energy despite his age, but this has baffled admirers and critics alike. Tuesday, the first single was released, kicking off his hip-hop career. His first album has taken the Catholic world by storm, entitled "Playa for Lyfe". On this album he collaborates with other successful hip-hop and R'n'B artists such as Usher and Ashanti. Jive™ is hoping to win big on this one, and studies have shown that interest in Catholicism is up 50% amongst teenagers since the release of the album. Even in today's world, Jive™'s slogan proves true: "The Pope is dope".

Man in middle-age crisis living on the edge
Both neighbours and friends have expressed concern over a Calgary man's apparent middle age crisis. John Brockston, a businessman, has led a very peaceful and successful life with his family up until now. Sources report he has not only bought a needlessly expensive car, but he's also changed his lifestyle. One woman noticed "he used a tissue instead of a coaster to put his drink on, and showed little to no concern when the tissue proved inefective" and that "he even went into the gap once". After this she then began to imitate his "ostrich being run over" impression, which he brings up "whenever he's at a party". "It's not even funny anymore", she concluded. Family members are currently endeavouring to help solve the problem, but it will be a long, uphill battle for Mr. Brockston.

Regular at McDonalds™ says "just" before ordering vast amounts of food
A Washington McDonalds™ has been surrounded by controversy and outrage recently, following the 150th consecutive weekly visit of a McDonalds™ regular, Harold Punter, 34. According to sources, however, "it's not the visit that bugs (them), it's his ordering habits". "He'll enter", the source continued, "and order a huge amount of food. That's not the worst part either. He'll start his order with the word "just" regardless of the quantity of food ordered". When asked to explain, the source became very angry and cited the latest example: "Just a regular quarter pounder with cheese and mayo but no pickles or onions, a large chocolate shake, a small french fries without too much salt, and one hamburger happy meal for my son, please". "It's getting ridiculous", another explained, "it's gotten to the point where cashiers will feign grizzly, deep fryer or milkshake machine-related injuries rather than place his order". More information will become available next week, as BYU keeps an eye on this worsening situation.