Uzbekistan makes fat joke about Kazakstan
During a meeting thursday, the Uzbek prime minister made several remarks about Kazakstan, throwing the two countries into chaos. Many of his remarks were crude jokes about the sheer size of Kazakstan, how "it's always waving its pudgy border in his face", and how "it could at least get off the bloody sofa once in awhile". This came at a sensitive time for Kazakstan, not just because of conflict in surrounding countries, but because, as the prime minister insists "it's not funny" and "it's trying very hard to lose the weight". Many other political leaders spoke out, saying the slim, skinny Uzbekistan had no reason to rub it in. An apology has been demanded, but it seems unlikely, and more conflict is only inevitable unless something is done.

Football-style diagrams grossly exploited
There has been much controversy recently over the teaching styles of Herman Wenterville, a Seattle-area geography teacher. Many complained to sources about Herman's "blatant and disgusting overuse of football diagrams", and how he "went out of his way to use the diagrams anywhere, including seating plans". One student even went into detail, describing his "painfully drawn" Microsoft™-paint diagrams of the earth's plate tectonics. Many NFL coaches have also expressed outrage at this, and authourities are expected to demand Wenterman finds a new way to draw diagrams, or risk losing his job.

Processed meat tsunami ravages southern US
Much of southwest Texas was been devastated yesterday, following the explosion of a nearby meat-processing plant, Tormorno Foods Ltd. Damages have been estimated at 3.3 billion, as a wave of liquefied processed meat swept over the land, burning and destroying everything in its path. One Texan who had his home toppled in the aftermath described it as "a veritable processed meat chernobyl". Although this disaster has killed dozens and left hundreds wounded, workers are hesitant to rebuild the area, as some say "it's actually an improvement" and that "the taste grows on you after awhile".