Pathetic party not helped by sarcastic uncle
A family birthday party for teenager Rick Herald was widely accepted as "disappointing", or in the words of uncle Thomas Harold "lame". The party, which took place Saturday, received very poor initial turnout and only mild feedback from guests. "What a letdown", explains young Rick, "I mean, I know everyone wanted the party to be fun, but uncle Tom just ruined it. I wish he would just shut up some times". "Hey, don't everyone come in at once!", Mr. Harold was reported shouting 15 minutes into the party. The remainder of the guests expressed thorough annoyance with Mr. Harold, but that didn't stop his remarks of "man, am I gonna be hung over after this one" and "hey, what's that noise in the distance? It's the 'this party sucks' train!"

Internet dryer owner can't wait for other computerized objects
John Baker, technology enthusiast, has become the first owner of a new brand of online-enabled dryer/washing machine combos. The combination units, capable of surfing the internet, downloading files and listening to music, are the first wave of a prototype that is expected to revolutionize laundry. "What's next, scanner watches? Engraving pencil sharpeners? Wireless router irons?" speculated Baker, "I can't wait to upload files to my MP3 T-shirt". Baker has nothing but rave comments for his prized prototype. "This dryer is great", he says, "I can dry my clothes and steal music from hardworking artists at the same time.

ABC asks "Are you hot?", "Leave me alone!" shouts tearful 14-year-old
A backlash of negative ratings has surprised producers of ABC™'s Are You Hot? television show. Despite extremely high feedback from many demographics, it appears the show is not well-received with everyone. Television analysts report that a program showcasing America's most beautiful people is not appealing to younger audiences: it makes them feel worse about their own insecurities. "We've seen some pretty incredible results to our survey", explained analyst Steven Turner, "especially in the 14 to 19 female demographic". When interviewed, one 14-year-old girl shouted "leave me alone!", and later "you don't understand me" through muffled tears.