Bush calls upon The Village People to defeat Iraq
Much hubbub in the international community has surrounded the ongoing US-lead military campaign against terrorism. As of Thursday, US President George W. Bush unveiled the next step in his military action, an attack force based on 5 new naval vessels and the popular musical group "The Village People". The Village People are a six-strong unit of trained professionals, a policeman, a Native American, a construction worker, a cowboy, a sailor and a cyclist. The Village People are best known for their smash hits "In the Navy" and "Macho Man". Combined with strategic military attacks, Bush hopes to thrust Saddam Hussien from power using cheery pop tunes and 80s-style costumes.
In other news, Saddam Hussien is expected to announce his unconditional surrender on Friday.

Arnold Schwarzenegger adds himself to the Holy Trinity
Much to the surprise of the Christian World, Schwarzenegger has added himself to the Holy Trinity, composed of God, the Holy Ghost and Jesus. A recent press release has stated that "after winning countless bodybuilding competitions and leading a successful career in films, a position with His Glory is the next logical choice". Many were startled to hear not only Jesus' voice answering prayer, but also the Austrian-accented voice of Mr. Schwarzenegger. "How can I seek enlightenment?" one man recalls asking, startled to hear the answer, "see Terminator 3, in theatres February". Many, including the Pope, have raised questions about the validity of the new "Quadrinity" implied by Arnold's press statements. "It's quite simple" reports Mr. Schwarzenegger's representative, "If God is His power, the Ghost is His Spirit and Jesus is His Word, then Arnold is his ass-kicking".

Comment: Manitoba's not gonna take it anymore
That's it. I am so tired of being the little one. I'm just not gonna take it anymore.
You guys are always pushing me around, always calling me names. I don't want to be the "loser province" any longer. I've got Winnipeg, you know. It's pretty big. You were always mom's favourite, Ontario. Remember that time at the movies? Yeah, I was there. Why don't you talk like that to my face? And as for you Alberta, I'll see you at thanksgiving. We'll settle this "hick province" argument once and for all. Shut your mouth. I've had it up to here. I don't have to listen to anyone. There are gonna be some changes around here. Because Manitoba's not gonna take it anymore. I'm going to my room to cry.