Bush to boost public approval with performance in Lord of the Dance
US President George W. Bush has announced his performance in the hit musical, The Lord of the Dance. Bush's advisers are helping this decisions will bring a much-needed ratings boost after public approval ratings dropped consistently in a series of ongoing military campaigns. Ousting dancer and actor Michael Flatley from the lead role, President Bush will perform in the musical for the 2003 schedule. Many political analists estimate this decision will bring a new vigor for Bush's military campaigns. However, some remain more skeptical at the concept of the leader of the free world flailing vigorously to Celtic music.

Xbox holds living room in reign of terror
A South Dakota family was recently freed from what the press is calling "a terrible reign of terror" cast upon their house by the next-generation Microsoft™ Xbox™ console. Four days ago, the family began noticing bizarre behaviour of their household appliances. What started as abnormalities, however, grew to frightening proportions. The powerful, online-enabled Xbox™ console quickly gained control of every appliance in the house, including those not even plugged in. "I was enjoying playing it at first" commented Jed Harbourson, owner of the Xbox. "The graphics were really great, and the controller felt so solid and rock-like". "But then everything started going wrong.." he continued, "the toaster almost took my arm off.. before we knew it, we were prisoners in our own home, trapped by an unstoppable behemoth with an incredibly cruel mindset, and stunningly realistic 3D capabilities".

Oberon leaves mysteriously halfway through play
A sixth-grade English class was startled Tuesday at the incredibly rude departure of the character "Oberon" in their board-supplied "Midsummer Night's Dream" texts. The character, Oberon, who was normally scheduled to remain for the entire scene, surprised the class by leaving in the middle of a particularly long dialogue. Titania, Oberon's wife, was quoted as saying "Therefore the winds, piping to us in vain, As in revenge, have suck'd up from the sea contagious fogs; which fa-", before Oberon briskly walked out of the scene. The fact that the words "Exit Oberon" do not appear in this location in many other Shakespeare texts has caused considerable controversy. Some suggest this was due to an error in the printing process, others suggest Oberon just couldn't take it anymore.