Jesus is back and looking fabulous
Both the Church and the media have shown considerable surprise over the returning of bible-era hero, Jesus Christ. The Church cites this as "the single most important moment of all time", while the media is claiming it is "the most anticipated return to showbusiness in history". Many have big expectations from this return, the return Jesus, Lord and Savior. Jesus received ample coverage on the front pages of both Time and People magazines. Time magazine ran a 18-page special entitled "He's back- and he is fabulous!". Despite some criticism, the overwhelming belief is that Jesus is not only back for good, but he's looking slim and fit. Rumour has it that Jesus may even play a part in the new upcoming Lord of the Rings film. Mr. Christ is scheduled to appear for an official press conference Monday, but until then he will be the hot topic of conversation for both the Christian world and the movie industry.

Department store rampage; vitims, prices drastically slashed
Yesterday marked a day of both mourning and celebration for an Idaho Borgo Mart department store. After an isolated violent rampage yesterday, seven were left wounded and countless prices were slashed drastically, some as low as 70%. "It was awful", said one witness. "One moment we were shopping and then the next Bobby's got scratches all down his left arm and the milk has been reduced to $2.49". "What.. what would make a person do something like this?!", sobbed Mrs. Jacksonford, choking back tears. The entire community has been devastated by this atrocity, tomorrow a service will be held in the community hospital, with tribute to both the brave victims and the incredible savings in every department.

Disgruntled caretaker's rage silently boiling
"Heh, heh, heh", commented one Steven P. Burton, caretaker and after-hours cleaning assistant at a Delaware elementary school. Mr. Burton has been working at the school for over 15 years, and has a well-paying job with reasonable security. But lately some have worried that the combined rage generated by 1200 screaming 5-year-olds is starting to take its toll. "Come here, my little deary", Steven was quoted saying to a young student. What's more alarming is Mr. Burton's persistent, silent methods of expressing his anger. During a recent interview in his cave-like residence, Mr. Burton commented only "One day I'll leave a little bit of dust in the corner, another day I'll 'accidentally' leave one faucet running. Little do they know that water costs them well over 50 cents every night!", before breaking down into incoherent cackling.