Bemani™ releases smash arcade hit Type Type Revolution™
After years of success creating games like Dance Dance Revolution™ and Para Para Dancing™, Konami™'s Bemani™ game studio has hit the jackpot again. Their latest arcade game, "Type Type Revolution", teaches valuable typing skills while playing energetic dance anthems. To play, players stomp their feet on the 4-foot-long keyboard in sync with the letters indicated on screen, and the player with the most points at the end is the winner. Championships worldwide are already springing up in Japan, Korea, and North America. Expert players attempt to perform complex dance routines while typing phrases such as "Constantinople" and "the salesman samples were spewed all over the railroad tracks". Game enthusiasts and secretaries alike have praised the game's informative lessons and rave soundtrack to be the wave of the future for both arcade dancing games and typing software. Type Type Revolution™ has already sold over 3 million copies, and Bemani™ is currently building a swimming pool full of money.

Baseball player dismayed at removal of dried-gum artwork
Clarence McFarlane and several others claim they are victims of brutish police unfairness, after government officials removed several pieces of "art" scattered across baseball diamonds throughout the city. Although police claim this is a routine act designed to improve the city's image, these self-proclaimed "chewing gum revolutionaries" claim police actions are insensitive and uneducated. "The police just don't understand", claims Clarence, 15. "My work isn't vandalism. It's an expression of power and beauty in bubblegum form". These pieces often stretch the width of an entire baseball dugout, carefully etched first with pencil, and later encased with chewing gum, saliva stains, and even stuck-on sunflower seeds. Although many are impressed with the group's virtuosity and skill with the bubblegum media, baseball coaches couldn't be happier with this news. Clarence reportedly spends at least 75% of his games restoring, refining and creating his bubblegum murals.

Meat board introduces new cheese product, "Meatorella"
In an effort to increase meat consumption in Canada, Canada's meat board has introduced a new meat-cheese product designed to bridge the gap between cheeses and meats, called "Meatorella". The meat board claims Meatorella is high in protein and calcium, and tastes delicious with dry, red wine. The advertising campaign began thursday, proclaiming you can "Get that delicious cheesy taste and that juicy flavour of ground beef", and buyers should "Choose Meatorella for (their) 100% daily recommended supply of meat". Apparently this product is to be sold with a handy cookbook, with recipes like "meaty meat pie" and "macaroni and meat". Meatorella is scheduled for release in meat markets and delicatessens by saturday, retailing at $2.50 a pound. Public opinion is still unsure, however, as many are skeptical about a product that contains "bacteria culture, beef, pork, and assorted horse parts".