Sean Connery sweeps "world's sexiest man" competition again
Sean Connery, now 72, celebrated his birthday surrounded by beautiful women, as he was awarded Today™ Magazine's "World's Sexiest Man" award. This came following a 6-month voting process, knocking off such younger hopefuls as Ben Affleck, and Brad Pitt. Some say it's his grizzled demeanour that's won him this award; others think it's his regular appearances on Celebrity Jeopardy. Mr. Connery has been named the world's sexiest man over thirty years ago, but fans speculate this might not be his last time either. Some disagree, however, like Peter Johnson, CA, who commented "oh good god" after viewing the 9 pages of Mr. Connery's pictures in the newest Today™. During a brief press conference following the award Sean Connery said only "the day is mine!".

Italy boosts population with defective birth control
The Italian government has finally taken measures to increase an ever-aging population pyramid that could cost the economy millions in the future. However, instead of attempting to increase immigration like some countries have, Italy has chosen to take a different route and distribute defective birth control as a way of solving the problem. Publicly funded contraceptives have been a hotly debated topic in the world community, and nobody has a more direct approach than Italy. These controversial items are expected to ship Tuesday. The prime minister commented "heh, heh, heh" at a meeting shortly after the decision was made.

Dozens mesmerized by rotating chicken spit
A California restaurant has been forced to remove its trademark rotisserie spit from a viewing window after several have complained of its luring nature. Other restaurants have requested that it be removed, claiming that the spit gives the restaurant an unfair advantage. Complaints began to surface only days after the restaurant first moved in last Thursday. Patrons admit that the spit is distracting, but can't seem to vocalize why. One customer spent 5 hours in a trance-like state next to the spit before noticing it had lit his hair and jacket on fire, and is currently in hospital with 3rd-degree poultry-related burns. City council is taking the complaints seriously, as the head of the restaurant committee, who admits to being an avid chicken eater weighing well over 300 pounds. "Besides-", an anonymous competitor said, "who can resist the sight of 36 slowly rotating chickens roasting and simmering in their own delicious, golden juices?".