Bush steals 400 British ships, giggles girlishly
Earlier today, swift military action was taken against the United Kingdom under Bush's command. Using a combination attack force of naval and air force strikes, along with gratuitous amounts of what Bush likes to call "WWF-style rumbles", the American armed forces attacked and stole over 400 British Ships. Tony Blair, prime minister of Britain immediately called together a NATO meeting, expressing outrage, demanding why such an action was taken by such an otherwise friendly ally. Cheney, who was present at the meeting, dismissed the attacks, saying "boys will be boys". Bush, who was not available at the time, was reportedly seen running throughout the corridors of the White House, "giggling girlishly", and singing "In the Navy". Whether or not Britain will announce a counterattack is still unknown, but more news should become available shortly.

Woman has more cats than Mexico City, Sao Paolo combined
After much investigation of a local bookstore, the police have concluded that Mrs Morina, 67, indeed has several thousand more cats than Mexico City and Sao Paolo combined. The investigation started after one man sustained a head injury from a cat falling out the window. Accounts from the neighbourhood insist "this isn't uncommon", and in fact "you can measure yourself by the amount of cats displaced". When asked to comment, however, the cats merely said they couldn't make a statement without the presence of their lawyer. How Mrs Morina fit several thousand cats into her 2-bedroom bungalow is still a mystery to policemen, but further investigations are expected next week.

Belarussian president: "Get Down"
During a recent Belarus parliamentary meeting, the Belarussian president, Alexander Lukashenko, made a new announcement, regarding changes in the government's economic policy. His opening remarks discussed the his views on the subject, and frequently referred to his caucus as his "homies", or his "posse". Many were confused by this message, which urged members of parliament to "get down". He continued to tell them to "shake their hands in the air". After discussing that for some time, he then suggested the economic situation was ripe to "wave them like they just don't care". Mr. Lukashenko silenced some critics, assuring that he was a "true gangsta for lyfe", and very much still "a playa" despite skepticism from his colleagues. Sources are still unsure as to what meaning this will have for the country's economy, but rumour has it that many government officials will be "getting jiggy with it" at some point in the near future.

Military Bases Now Run Microsoft™, says Gates
Following a recent campaign by Microsoft™, the nation's military computers have converted to the Windows™ operating system. The contract, signed Tuesday, ensures Microsoft™ has a monopoly on military computers until the year 2003, including all on-board craft computers. This should help increase Microsoft™s always-rising market share, and analysts expect the stock to rise within the near future. Gates says "he will continue to expand Microsoft™'s market in different areas, especially now that the Xbox™ gaming system has proven successful". He also continued to say "all your base are belong to us".
In other news, 100 US planes have been grounded today due to technical difficulties.

Man in unfortunate smelting accident, says "there's nothing funny about it"
The Thomas-Jones gold-smelting plant in Toronto, a subsidiary of Cold Beer Corp, is under investigation by safety workers after a young man, 29, was injured by a piece of equipment. The man, Henry Keeler remains in hospital, in critical condition. Doctors say they may not be able to save all of his extremities, but remain hopeful. The family struck by the tragedy is filing a lawsuit against Cold Beer Corp, of which we should hear the first news sometime next week.

Local Coureur de Bois having trouble finding work
Antoine deMortier, Toronto-area Coureur de Bois is one of the many talented, young French immigrants being forced onto the streets during a recent slide in the woodsmen industry. Thousands have been affected, and many of these skilled "runners-of-the woods" are now scouring the streets for any odd jobs available, with varying success. Some become taxi drivers, others, construction workers, but for Mr. deMortieir, no luck. The government has expressed concern about Canada's youth lining the streets, and this undoubtedly worsens the situation. The already dismal woodsmen industry should enjoy a nice peak during the Christmas tree season, but experts predict it's a rough road ahead for Canada's young Coureurs de Bois.