Hulk Hogan to take control of postwar Iraq
The beginning of US military operations in Iraq was followed by a UN meeting on Saturday, which discussed plans for a postwar Iraq government. A representative announced that the new representative for a future Iraqi leader would be world-famous wrestler "Hulk" Hogan. Although Hogan faced strong competition from candidates such as Ralph Nader and George Bush Sr., the committee voted a landslide 80% in his favour. "We feel the Hulk has the expertise, strength and wisdom needed in an Iraqi leader", claimed a representative. Later he commented, "the Hulk still rules". When criticised by a reporter from the New York Times, the Hulk powerbombed him. This announcement has brought The Hulk into the public eye once more, and sales of the new Wrestlemania videogame are expected to skyrocket. In a press release on Friday, Mr. Hogan asked Saddam Hussein, "what are you gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?".

Captain Planet™ prevents nuclear disaster
Mysterious superhero Captain Planet prevented what could have been a US Chernobyl Tuesday, after miraculously quelling a meltdown situation. Sources say the meltdown may have actually been an unsuccessful terrorist attack, in retaliation for US activity in the Middle East. The nuclear fission reactor, located in North Dakota, would have spread dangerous radiation throughout all of North America, killing thousands. "Captain planet, he's our hero!", shouted a crowd of fans, "bringing pollution down to zero!". The mayor of the small town of Medora, Alvin Yeung, is expected to award Captain Planet with a certificate of bravery. Captain Planet has become an overnight celebrity, winning acclaim from almost everyone, and gathering significant attention from the media. The terrorist cell responsible for the attacks was furious for their thwarted efforts, shouting, "you'll pay for this, Captain Planet!".

Online news agency deported to Libya
A small online news agency, the "BYUNewsgroup" has been deported to Libya from its native Canada, as punishment for a long history of tax evasion. The agency, which operates out of Toronto, Ontario, runs a small news website, "The BYUNews", and appears on several other webpages and publications. This development follows a long series of inquiries by the Canadian Government, which also revealed the website bears a significant and noncoincidental resemblance to other satire websites. "Besides, even if we didn't deport them", commented an RCMP lawyer, "they'd be sued by Brigham Young University sooner or later". The BYUNews gathered a small following, reporting on both small-scale and worldwide issues, and published for a total of six months, which a BYUNewsgroup contributor explains, "is roughly 87 in website years". Libya was selected not for its location or political situation, but because it was the only country that would accept the agency.